dignity – Deepika Tuli

Early morning while crossing through the lobby of my office, an educational institution in Delhi, the sight of a big headline in the newspaper lying on the coffee table stopped me to look at those Big Bold Black Catchy words, WOMB FACTORY. I went closer to the table and just read the complete headline, which stated, “Inside the NCR womb factory: How poverty forces workers’ wives to become surrogate mothers in Noida, Loni, and Gurgaon”; Surrogacy is the magic word these days, but after I read the headline my concern immediately changed from surrogacy to “Poverty Forcing Women to do this”. And I was filled with not a feeling of sympathy, pity, consolation, but a feeling of disgust and strong disapproval. I am not judging the situations people go through to opt for this way of coming out of their misfortune, or poor monetary conditions; there could be very much valid reasons for choosing this source to get out of certain unavoidable situations; but, poverty is not the only reason for people to make this choice.

These days this option is widely available in market to cater to people who can pay heavily for this, but when this option was not so readily available a few years back, didn’t people find out other ways to get out of their pathetic life situations born through poverty? I know, and completely understand that there are other unethical, illegal, dishonorable and immoral ways that people have to opt out of helplessness, but, why when a high paying product/service comes in the market, people choose it as the easiest way to get themselves fulfilled, blaming poverty as the sole reason for their choice? Aren’t other options, with some dignity, patience, and righteousness are of any help to deal with situations in poverty and distress? Again stressing on worst case scenarios, where people HAVE to go through wrong choices deliberately, but not everyone who’s poor. Let me state some phrases people have shared in the article talking about their needs and helplessness to agree to surrogacy:

“I’m saving money to marry off my girls. A girl’s marriage in India costs a lot to parents. I have two daughters who are growing up. I want to save some money for them so that I can easily marry them off.”

“No other way to pay our debts”. Pinki’s husband has a small-time job in an export house and is trying hard to make ends meet. “I already have two sons. When I had my second son, I never thought I would be pregnant again. But circumstances make human beings their slaves.”

“We want to build a house. For many years we have been striving to build a house, but the high prices have broken our back.”

These statements and many similar to these make me ponder over the actual reason of this widespread and easiest choice of becoming a womb factory.

It’s not helplessness out of poverty; it’s a choice to have better living conditions through high paying options available. I concur that everyone has the right to choose their way of living and spending life, but people with struggling conditions only blame poverty for the miseries of their lives, and they don’t even look out the better ways to deal with the miseries. These money earning options are not forced by poverty alone to go for; choosing these options in the name of poverty is demeaning the better options available which many others under the poverty line are following, like, education, sensitization on various life issues – social/health/educational/better living conditions/growth prospects through fewer resources, and much more. We have so many resources to improve our life conditions, and which are permanent solutions to this problem of poverty, but most of the people do not want to utilize those, just because they are not as easy as quick money options like surrogacy.

Not poverty, but illiteracy, ignorance and lack of education in overall areas of life make people to choose the easiest but worst options.

Choosing surrogacy as a poverty eliminator may be a good idea to earn and solve major issues of life, but this is not the solution to poverty, and neither the forceful result of bad life conditions. Blaming poverty for this choice is guff! Better options do exist!
Main article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/indiahome/indianews/article-3147827/Inside-NCR-womb-factory-poverty-forces-workers-wives-surrogate-mothers-Noida-Loni-Gurgaon.html

Should We Copy in Relationships?

A book I read recently, by a well known spiritual guru, talks about woman and her powers, and I came across a section which suggests on how to get over your insecurities , jealousy and desire for love when you find your man inclined towards other women? And the suggestion is to do the same as your man is doing to you, because it’s your right too.

I agree on the point of equality here, but I really find it ridiculous where it says & recommends copying the behavior of a married man, or a man in relationship who is inclined towards other women and making his woman suffer. I believe this is not what spiritualism guides you to; rather it’s the baby of materialism, where you want to satisfy your needs at any cost. Copying a wrong attribute or behavior is not a path to quench your thirst and fulfill your desires just because you think that the other person will feel and understand your problem when he faces the same. And, if it’s about thinking for our own individualities, our own dreams & desires, why do we get into relationships? What is the meaning of being into a relationship? It’s also mentioned in the book, if a man is involved in many other love affairs, his woman also has the right to live her own happiness and can get involved with other men. First of all, it’s not about men or women; it can be either ways, initiated by a man or a woman in a relationship.

But why the person should not copy his partner in terms of self-interest, fulfillment of material, emotional and sexual desires?

Firstly, the person who is suffering of betrayal or infidelity, or ignorance, knows the amount of pain that is caused due to this, so whoever is truly in love, true to his/her relationship,, or humane in nature will never cause that amount of pain to his/her partner.

Secondly, when a person realizes that his/her partner is doing something that is wrong and not acceptable, neither in society , nor in a personal relationship, and also, if the wrong behavior of that partner has troubled the family & relationships severely, why would a sane person do exactly the same to ruin the complete identity of that relationship?

Thirdly, a relationship as an entity or as a word has no existence when the people in it run in opposite directions to attain materialistic accomplishments. How can it be called a relationship? It becomes an agreement, like a rent agreement in most cases where the landlord and the tenant share the same house but they are not concerned to each other’s life. And an agreement is not a relationship. Even if one of the partners is walking in the wrong direction, it’s the other partner’s responsibility to help him/her get back to the right, but if he/she doesn’t come back, this should not make the other person to get on the wrong track too. It’s his/her choice how to make things better for himself/herself. I would never recommend clinging on to the person who no longer cares for you; I would never suggest lamenting over the situation and treating yourself as victim; I would also not say not to enjoy your life and freedom given by God. But’ copying the wrong behavior is not a solution.

I understand that a lot of times women have limited options and they have to settle for less, but believe me God never compromises on his children, and He never gives up on them. A good woman will always be in control, in control of God and His Will, in control of her kids’ love for her, their dependability on her, in control of the law of gratitude and the law of karma. And when she is control, she will make the best choices for herself and the family. And the same goes for a good man.

A lot of things in his/her life will take a backseat; I would not say to renounce those desires, or to pressurize oneself to an extent of explosion, but to let them subside for some time and put the priorities according to the need of the hour, keeping in mind all the consequences of the choices. And remember, those things at the backseat will be reached out eventually through the efforts that he/she is going to put during the transformation process. Ultimately, this transformation, upliftment of thoughts, actions and soul will prove beneficial for the partner who is trying to get things right, not for the one who is blindly walking into the black hole. But one should also not compromise on his/her values and self-respect; it’s your right to protect them and fight for them.

Lastly, the desire for love that goes missing when such occurrences happen can be rekindled in oneself through a lot of different ways, of getting closer to the people or friends who love you, getting close to nature and things you love to do; your kids’ love, or your parents’ love and support is the best medicine to this ailment.

Following the person who is walking blindly will close all the doors to happiness and when we say happiness, it means PERMANENT HAPPINESS, and that can only be achieved when you do what is right and not under the influence of temporary or momentary happiness, because then you will again get disheartened and discontented.

Category Archives: dignity

Copying a Wrong Behavior is Tempting!